I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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