Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I need to calm my uterus...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
