Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
