youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just puked most of my soul out..
why is half of my head shaved?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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