I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
