did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Oh god it's open bar.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
