"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
