Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
