I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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