She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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