i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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