Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
