Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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