I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I've blown a few things in my day
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
