Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
