i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
