Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
