i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
