so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
