I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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