if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
