also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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