Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
