booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
