I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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