Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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