I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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