I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
