I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I could fuck to npr.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
