Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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