@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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