God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
