The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
