I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
