JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
