tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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