You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
