haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
