I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
