Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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