Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i wish my penis had a tongue
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
