so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
