Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Someone signed my nipple.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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