I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
