my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
