why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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