her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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