in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
