2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I woke up under a house in Key West
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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