well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
