Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
