we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
