You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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