You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
