you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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