He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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