One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You are a genius and a whore.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
