i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
