we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
