Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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