WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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