So drunk its hurt
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
