TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
