I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
