Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
