May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Randomize
