Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
