Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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