I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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